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What Is Resiliency and How Do We Help Our Kids Build It?

Sports develop resilience through the difficult moments, so as parents we need to sit back and allow for them to struggle at times. How we help them handle it is where resilience is grown.

This article shares some ideas on what we can say and teach in order to help them is the process…

Resilience is the quality of recovering quickly from failure and setback, and not only returning to whatever level you have already achieved, but actually using the adversity as an opportunity to grow your inherent strength even further. Think of resilience as the callus that forms on the skin AFTER repeated friction or pressure is placed upon it. In order for that toughness to grow harder and stronger it literally NEEDS to experience “distress”.

I see and read a lot of well-intentioned quotes regarding the virtue of sports and how participation brings about great mental fortitude in the athlete, as if participation alone is the key factor. While I am huge supporter of youth athletics resilience is not built by simply participating.

Resilience is developed by not only going through the difficult scenario, but through understanding how to process it in a healthy and effective way, and then implementing the “bounce back” skills that these struggles require. Essentially, HOW we frame and meet the challenge is what creates the habit. So, unfortunately, if we meet the struggle in an ineffective or unhealthy way we create that mental pattern of thought, it becomes more ingrained, and ultimately will work against us developing healthy resiliency.

In a way developing this mental resiliency skill is similar to development of solid technical/physical skills. If your fundamentals are solid then you’ll successfully complete the movement needed to perform the skill, and you can build greater and more complex skills upon them. As the old saying goes, “practice doesn’t make perfect. Only perfect practice makes perfect”. I’m not suggesting that we’ll be perfect at this – not by any stretch actually. What I am saying is that we can (and typically do) ingrain poor mental habits if the system we’re using isn’t truly built on a strong foundation.

So how do we build that strong foundation?

First and foremost everything that I teach, whether to youth or up to pro athletes is that we must help the athlete develop greater level of awareness and attention. By becoming aware of what we are giving our attention to we can start to become attuned to whether it is healthy or unhealthy for us.

For example, if we have a poor performance we start giving our attention to only the mistakes or critical comments made by others we may begin to tell ourselves a pretty negative story about our potential future. However, with that same negative performance we can give our attention to not only wanting to improve the negative moments, but we can also give some time to the positive (there always are some). Additionally, we can teach our young athletes to accept that today was indeed a bad day, but that we’ve had some of them before, and we’ve survived so we can survive this as well. Essentially, by just training to be aware of our attention we can intentionally decide more clearly and rationally what else that we can also take away and focus upon from the performance.

Here’s a list of things that we can teach our kids to proactively work towards during the good and difficult times that come with being an athlete. Remember that each of these begin with the foundation of learning to pay attention on purpose (The DoSo app is a great tool for mastering this skill, but there are others as well). Awareness of where we place our thoughts is a skill that will serve them over their entire lifetime.

Help them with the following:

• Developing an internal locus of control: remind them that they are in control of how they RESPOND to everything that comes their way in life

• Developing a good sense of self-efficacy: believing that they can make a difference in the direction of their life and sport

• Developing self-awareness and emotion regulation/management: understanding and managing your own emotions by staying present and not getting caught up past mistakes (can’t change them), or future potential setbacks (can’t predict them)

• Developing optimism and hope: engaging in the “risk” (we don’t know the outcome) of performance of our sport and looking forward to the challenges it brings

• Developing gratitude and appreciation: creating appreciation of the opportunity to simply participate/compete through the practice of gratitude by acknowledging it on a regular basis

• Developing a flexible and adaptable attitude: keeping their thinking from becoming rigid or inflexible. We are neither always good nor always bad. Difficult and successful times come and go. The ability to see the bigger picture.

So, from your role as parent, your greatest responsibility in helping develop resiliency in your child is influencing the foundation for “responding” after setback or failure has occurred. Framing setbacks as an essential part of the progression towards growth, learning, and success is a must. Our job is not to prevent the failures and setbacks (remember they are essential in the process), but to help them more effectively navigate the inevitable moments when they do happen.

  • Source: Stu Singer: is a performance psychologist and soccer parent.
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13 Things Strong-Willed People Won’t Do

Strong-willed people get a bad rap. They can be seen as stubborn, dominant, unreasonable or headstrong.

But are they, really?Dealing with a strong-willed spouse or child can be quite challenging. Our marriage is more unique in that we have not one, but two strong-willed individuals (how’d that happen?!). And odds are high we will end up with strong-willed children to boot.

If you fail to understand your strong-willed spouse or child, it can easily lead to power struggles, conflict and misunderstanding of character.

Our society often views being “strong-willed” as a negative personality trait that must be managed or overcome.

But what if the very thing you see as a weakness is actually a God-given strength?

In her book, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do, Amy Morin highlights the healthy habits of those with a strong mind. But what about those with a strong will? What are the healthy habits that make the strong-willed strong? What strengths do they have to offer in a marriage or family that generally get overlooked?

Here are 13 things strong-willed people won’tdo that contribute to their overall success, courage and resilience in life.

1. They won’t bend to the pressure of others.Strong-willed people are highly autonomous so they won’t give in easily to the demands of others. If they don’t want to, you can’t make them. It’s as simple as that. Their devotion to personal sovereignty gives them the ability to maintain strong boundaries and resist peer pressure.

2. They won’t give up easily. Failure is not an option for the strong-willed. Hardship only makes them stronger. They are survivors. They will persevere through even the most difficult of circumstances.

3. They won’t betray their values. Strong-willed people hold fiercely to their personal views and beliefs. Their convictions serve as their navigation system in life and they are unlikely to compromise what’s important. Strong-willed individuals will stand up for what they believe regardless of opposition.

4. They won’t accept opinion as truth. Strong-willed people are cautious and skeptical when it comes to the opinions of others. Just because you say it, doesn’t make it true. They want proof. They may expect you to explain your position and give reasons for your argument before they are willing to do it or see it your way. This provides them with the liberty to evaluate an idea and keeps them from blindly accepting inaccurate information.

5. They won’t allow their schedule to be dictated by others. Strong-willed people are fiercely independent and want to manage themselves. A self-starter, they are usually good at setting goals, accomplishing tasks and determining their own schedule and use of time.

6. They won’t back down from a challenge.Give them a problem and they will rise to the occasion. Strong-willed people see challenges as an opportunity for growth. They are creative thinkers and will find a way to fix or resolve the issue even if it’s the last thing they do.

7. They won’t be defined by their circumstances. Strong-willed people see themselves as masters of their own fate. They take life by the reins instead of allowing their circumstances to dictate their destiny. They don’t allow negative experiences to defeat them. Instead, they learn from their pain and difficulty so they can keep moving forward.

8. They won’t give in to fear. Strong-willed people may feel anxious but they don’t let their feelings control their actions.They feel the fear and do it anyway. In an emergency, they are quick to rush in, take charge and respond to those in need.

9. They won’t shy away from responsibility or leadership. Strong-willed people are action-oriented and possess a strong desire to lead. They automatically want to know who’s in charge. Poor leadership or a lack of competency is like fingernails on a chalkboard to the strong-willed. When faced with a leadership vacuum, the strong-willed person will step in and take over in order to provide direction, vision and management.

10. They won’t abandon their dreams. Strong-willed people often have a firm sense of purpose. They dream big dreams and then figure out how to make them come true. Tell them they won’t achieve their dream and they will do it just to prove you wrong. Strong-willed people live passionately and succeed in what they set out to accomplish.

11. They won’t resist change. Strong-willed people understand that change is a natural part of life. Since change is inevitable, they prefer to get out in front of it. They adapt to their situation in order to control how it affects and changes them.

12. They won’t worry about what others think of them. Many strong-willed people don’t care about pleasing others. They don’t allow the opinions, thoughts or judgment of others to determine their sense of identity and self-worth. They remain true to themselves, regardless of what others may think.

13. They won’t stay silent. Strong-willed people often share their views and opinions. They have a powerful desire to be heard and understood. They are usually very honest and forthcoming, especially when they disagree. This provides them with the ability to speak out against injustice and and on behalf of those who cannot speak for themselves.

When these habits are practiced in a mature way, a strong-willed person can be a great asset to any team, marriage or family!

  • They are steadfast.
  • They are determined.
  • They are loyal.
  • They are perceptive.
  • They are independent.
  • They are problem-solvers.
  • They are resilient.
  • They are courageous.
  • They are leaders.
  • They are dreamers.
  • They are adaptable.
  • They are confident.
  • They are honest.

Appreciating the strengths of your strong-willed spouse or child will go a long way toward building a healthier relationship!

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